The Holy Book of Trump

In the beginning Trump created the heavens and the earth – the ENTIRE universe, tremendous, spectacular, really very tremendous– out of NOTHING.  There was a small loan from his father but that was very small.  And look, reader, if you know business like Trump knows business, you know that money – compared with how rich he is, not being braggadocious but $650 million, under-leveraged, HIGHLY under-leveraged – just look at the financial statement.  It’s better than a tax return.

 So on the first day the Donald said, “Let there be light!” And by “light” he meant GOLD. And suddenly there was the top highest quality- the best, very best - gold everywhere.  Gold buildings and gold toilet seats and gold kazoos and tiny gold teakettles that Sean Hannity said were the greatest he’d ever seen. And the crazy thing is he didn’t pay for any of it because he made it himself.  All with his big Trump hands – before anyone even knew what gold was. It was really good business because of that.

 Then on the second day Trump separated the water and the sky – believe it or not – he really did this.  This is true.  And when he was finished Trump pursed his lips and took a drink of the water. It was exquisite and beautiful and gorgeous so he bottled it up and called it “Trump Ice.” One of Donald’s advisors suggested is might be misleading to call bottled water “ice” but he was WRONG so Trump fired him.

 On the third day Trump saw the sky make rain and he said, “Hey! Sky, you’re making water.  Stop stealing water’s job!” So Trump built a wall between the sky and the water and called it land. And he made the sky pay for it- in fact, the sky was HAPPY to pay for the wall.  Then when the massive, impenetrable, solid, physical, massive, wall was finished Trump built a thousand casinos on top of it. The casinos were castles and national treasures - just the most astounding pieces of architecture you’ve seen with any of your eyes. Next Trump built a million HUGE towers that were all the tallest towers on earth, each taller than the one before and also taller than the next one but mostly taller than the one prior.  Someone said they should all be named wonders of the world.  He can’t remember who said that. It was someone vey famous and very important.

 The fourth day was even better than the other days.  Trump didn’t think it could be better but it was really a ginormous day because that was the day he made ALL the biggest stars in the heavens.  He made Kristie Alley and young Aaron Carter and Stephen Baldwin - who is undoubtedly the best and biggest Baldwin.  Rosie O’Donnell tweeted something very mean about not being included in the stars and Trump called that fat ugly pig a “FAT UGLY PIG!” And she deserved it because she is not a nice person – really a very bad person if you ever meet her in person.

 Then on the fifth day Donald was inspired by Rosie O’Donnell to make a bunch of disgusting animals so he made some weird sloths and hippos and pigs.  He also made some okay looking cows that were delicious –just INCREDIBLE – to eat.  He butchered the best biggest cows and made them into Trump Steaks and everyone in the world said that he had raised the stakes on steaks but Trump said, “WRONG!” Because he had actually raised the steaks on grass or whatever cows eat typically. 

 Then on the sixth day Trump made billions and billions – no trillions, approximately almost a trillion-ish people.  He made black people and white people and Asian people and Japanese people and all the people who wear sombreros – also fat people too. And there was no discrimination. NONE.  No discrimination and Trump was very proud of that and people gave him tons of credit for that because- you have to understand- not all businesses do it– but he let blacks into his golf club and even Muslims, at least one time, during the winter, at night.  And they love him – the blacks and everyone – he has a great relationship with them – because it’s not politics as typical. He’s a WINNER and he knows how to WIN.

Finally, on the seventh day, everything was finished – the entire world – under-budget, ahead of schedule, incredible, brilliant.  So Trump rested for the last little while because he had made the world great again – but also for the first time.