A PSA RE: The Unholy Terror of Moving Desks

It is coming my friends: THE GREAT MOVE.  The men behind the mahogany doors have declared a seating rearrangement to promote synergy, collaboration and unholy terror.  We know not what the future holds but we must face it with a brave face and courageous spirit.

In 24 hours time you will be torn from the comfort of your cloth and laminate coffee-stained cubicle and shoved into the foreign territory of a cloth and laminate cubicle that may or may not have a stain.  You will be ripped from a location that is close to both a bathroom and a window and transplanted into a location with a bathroom but no guarantee of afternoon sunlight. The only certainty is that there is no certainty. 

For now, soak in the affiliates around you. Say Goodbye to Melinda, and her neat row of big headed dolls.  Farewell to Jasmine and her 6 bottles of pinot noir and three shoeboxes.  So long to Nick and his ever-shedding beard.  Hold Mike’s hand tightly and whisper sweetly,  “we should go get burgers this weekend.”  For now is not the time for honesty.  Now is the time for nostalgia.

Remember when Jasmine got stuck in the elevator for three minutes before the building operator helped her out?  Remember when Melinda ordered too few pizzas for the work party?  Remember when Brad had a hard time pronouncing “concierge”?  Remember when you said “hi” to Nick at the Container Store and then you continued your shopping?  Hug them close and know that though you will be separated your friendship will last as long as they are in your sightline. 

Now is the time to pack up your workspace. Hold back your tears as you pack up the letter from your mom that shows you have a family.  Brace your heart as you file away the photo of you at a party that proves you regularly receive intercourse. With a heavy heart, pack up your copy of Hard Choices by Hilary Clinton that illustrates your political awareness.  Whimper to yourself as you box up the little troll and the tie-dye stress ball that advertise that you have a personality.  You’re so fun!  You’re never too old for toys!

Look to the cubicle walls. There’s the note from Jennifer about how good you are at doing your job. She's right, you do make copies so fast! Revisit the birthday card that everyone signed for you.  You really are very well liked! 

Now with boundless sorrow throw out one rubber band, three leaky pens, five crumpled packets of splenda, and a belt that you could wear when you ate only soybeans. Dwell in the catharsis of cleansing and move forward.

Finally, look at your empty desk – the place where your bum has sat for the past four years.   Thank your bum for it’s service and draft it for another 4 years. Breath in the tepid air and florescent lights of this specific pod one last time.  Smell the putrid exhales of the old fridge and the hint of BBQ sauce from Brad's lunch. It is time make the move.  The move is upon us!