An alarming study by the Fuck Market Analysis Group or FMAG reports that in 2015 the average American gave a record-breaking 1,763 fucks a day. That is twice as many fucks-given as Americans in 1970 and over a 35% increase in fuck expenditure from just last year.
FMAG leading analyst, Robert Wilton, believes that this influx of fucks is flooding the market and depreciating the value of the fuck. In a recent press conference Wilton warned that, “young Americans are giving fucks at a dangerous rate. If the market isn’t stabilized soon we are headed towards a world in which individuals as young as 40 will have few or no fucks left to give and those they retain will have no value.”
Such a collapse of the fuck-market would, undoubtedly, be the biggest economic failure since the Great Fucking Depression. The following breakdown of 2015’s fucks-given by demographic corroborates Wilton’s fear that we are in a full-blown fucking crisis.
AMERICANS AGES 0-3
This past year - despite ever-increasing pressure to have a perfect body, successful career, and vibrant sex life - infants and toddlers continued to give basically zero fucks.*
2015 Average Daily Fucks-Given (ADFG) Ages 0-3
Fucks given regarding excrement in diaper: 1
Fucks given regarding object permanence: 2
Fucks given regarding “holy shit I have hands that I can move myself”: 4
*”Basically zero fucks,” is based on a calculation that excludes infant and toddlers’ aggressive preference for certain people, textures, colors and horse sounds from which their parents can derive little to know rational pattern. To include such data in the fuck-count would drastically skew the Annual Fuck-Giving Report, placing the fuck market almost solely in the hands of babies. It is the belief of the FMAG that such a report would not be an accurate reflection of fucking reality, as babies are not active fuckers but rather accidental fuckers.
AMERICANS AGES 4- 11
Children 4-11 years old had a 5% increase in their fuck expenditure. While continuing to give little to no fucks about romantic relationships, personal hygiene or their 401K, child-given fucks saw a rise in the specialty food sector and in entertainment.
2015 Summary of ADFG Ages 4-11
Fucks given regarding burnt toast being aesthetically displeasing: 2
Fucks given regarding kids next door having cooler nerf guns that really hurt when they hit you: 5
Fucks given regarding having the sickest Minecraft castle: 8
Fucks given regarding shape of fruit snacks in lunchbox: 9
Fucks regarding Disney’s Frozen: 185
AMERICANS AGES 12-19
Teens and tweens are notorious for their unapologetic giving of fucks and this year was no exception. This demographic doled out 25% more fucks than last year and managed to decrease fucks given only in the category of “Fucks regarding transportation to One Direction concerts,” a decline widely attributed to the fact that teens now take Ubers or Lyfts to public events more often than Mom and Dad’s minivan.
2015 Summary of ADFG Ages 12-19
Fucks given regarding eyebrows being totally “on fleek” - 12
Fucks given regarding instragram likes (lol, jk…but for realsies) – 52
Fucks given regarding an 11PM curfew that “makes no sense ‘cause I’m basically an adult!”- 235
Fucks given regarding getting sufficiently “turned up” at prom - 327
Fucks given regarding wanting others to think you are attractive enough to get fucked not just once but on multiple occasions and with people who are attractive and therefore enviable fuck partners - 604
AMERICANS AGES 20-34
Upon first examination, this year proved to be a record low of fuck-giving for the 20-34 year old demographic. Across the board young adults proudly claimed to be “GIVING NO FUCKS,” in their daily lives. Unfortunately, upon further investigation these findings were revealed to be gross examples of under-reporting. FMAG investigative reporter, Nikki Bilgren, found that twenty-somethings were compelled to skew data regarding their own fuck-giving because they gave an excess of fucks about appearing as though they gave no fucks at all.
2015 Summary of ADFG ages 20-34 (Actual vs. Self-Reported)
Fucks given regarding the desire for an in-unit washer/dyer
Self-reported average 0
Actual average: 8
Fucks given regarding rapid development of cellulite on ass
Self-reported average: 0
Actual average: 62
Fucks given regarding turning 30
Actual Average: 388
Fucks given regarding desperately wanting to make your parents proud
Self-Reported average: 0
Actual average: 417
Fucks given regarding your ex’s hot new boyfriend/girlfriend’s facebook page
Self reported average: 0
Actual average: 582
Fucks given regarding your best friend having a beautiful baby boy and a thriving career in finance while you wait tables at a “kid friendly” diner
Self reported average: 0
Actual average: 769
Fucks given regarding the desire to appear as though no fucks are given
Actual average: 1,576
AMERICANS AGES 35-50
Adults in this demographic maintained their pattern of giving a reasonable amount of sensible fucks. The majority of Americans polled had spent 80% of their total fucks in earlier years, leaving them only able to give a few refined and substantive fucks.
2015 Summary of ADFG ages 35-50
Fucks given regarding increased property tax: 23
Fucks given regarding appreciation of “earthy” wine: 34
Fucks given regarding their labradoodle’s weight gain: 52
Fucks given regarding proper leather care of $250 loafers: 57
Fucks given regarding sodium content of lean cuisines: 77
Fucks given regarding getting kids into a hypoallergenic elementary school: 101
AMERICANS AGES 51- 75
In 2015 this demographic enjoyed a blissful increase in fuck retention. After throwing kids out of the house and becoming legit experts in their field, 51-75 year olds gave fucks in only two subjects: arthritis and marijuana.
2015 Summary of ADFG 51-75
Fucks given regarding treating swollen joints: 7
Fucks given regarding finding a swollen joint to smoke in the garage: 15
AMERICANS AGES 75+
For the 8th year in a row Americans ages 75+ not only gave zero fucks but also had zero fucks to give.
2015 Summary of ADFG ages 75+
Not Fucking Applicable